2011-05-09

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2011-05-09

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Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I posted last. I am in a much better place since my last post. I have come to grips with Lindsay being gone. I figure it has been a year since I had physically seen her since neither of us could travel at this time last year (we were both 8 months pregnant). I don't get upset with music that I know she liked. I have small moments, that take me back. It's better when I am with Paul who can get me through those small challenges (a picture, phrase, memory).
Work is insane and will only get much worse. I cannot write why at this time. I have been taking my lunch back in my classroom because I need to not get myself caught up in drama. It is not good for me, Paul, or my kids. So I completely remove myself from that situation. I have been reading my bible, the great stories I am learning, or watch Grey's Anatomy with my headphones, or read e-mails or the news. It's kind of nice. Just me time. My girls are growing like weeds. I am shocked everyday at what amazing things Izzy can do. Tonight she was telling Willow, "Run fast, I know you can do it. You're smart". She is such a happy go lucky kid who really is so sensitive yet so loving and giving. She wants to be happy and just have fun. Rees is a weed. That girl just keeps moving and I cannot stop her. It is kind of sad to see her grow up. In a few short weeks she will be walking. Delightful yet scary.

Been Awhile

It's been awhile. I write my thoughts in my head and know that someday we will have the technology for me to write my blogs while I am away from my computer and they will just be there for me.

Life has been very interesting. I am still struggling with Lindsay being gone. The worst is my long car rides to and from work. I have a lot of time to debrief the day and just think, which gets me very emotional. I can only imagine what the cars passing me by think when they see me crying. I keep hoping that it will get better, but it is hard. That was always my time to talk with her and although I have others I could call, she was my call. I miss her. I have days where I think maybe I need to go see a therapist or maybe I need medicine. I know to just keep praying about this and know God has a plan. I know I will get an answer of, "Why?" someday, just not today or tomorrow. Someday. It also doesn't help that I have a brand-new baby, Paul is not working, my job is CRAZY, I have a three year old, and life. Life is just crazy. Then top it off with my loss of Lindsay and my crazy hormones. Can you see how much of a wreck I am? Poor Paul. He gets the brunt of all my emotions. I don't mean to. I just am trying to deal with and shoulder a lot right now. I know time will help heal wounds, but it hurts.

Lindsay

As I got the call that Lindsay was in the hospital, I never could have expected the outcome. I have lost my best friend of 17 years. I will never see her again. I struggle with this. I see her face and hear her bubbly voice all day long especially in the middle of the night and in my dreams. I don't know when this will get easy for me. I know she is in heaven but I still hurt. I hurt for Joe and especially Evan. That beautiful boy she left behind who will grow up not knowing his mother. I kept hoping and praying she would "wake up" (that's what we kept telling her when we would see her), but God had other plans for her. I kept thinking who am I going to call with my good news and my bad news. Yes, I have family, but she was my best friend. She was the person I would talk with on the way home from work or we would plan phone appointments during lunch time. We were suppose to share time together with our babies. They were suppose to grow up together. I am going to have to work so hard to keep in contact with Joe and make sure that I am in Evan's life. Lindsay would want that. Rees is suppose to know Evan as is Evan is suppose to know Rees. Knowing she is in heaven is my only calm in this terrible situation.

From My Class

This would be in Chapter 6 of my book that I could write about what happens in my class. Had a telephone conversation with a student's parent that went like this: "Hi so and so. This is so and so from so and so school. I am so and so's teacher. I was wondering would you like me to pop the water balloon that he brought to school in his backpack which now is all wet and tried to sneak out of my classroom with to go to the bathroom or would you like me to leave it at the office for you to pick it up?" She gave me the go ahead to pop it and I asked, "Now would you like to talk with him?" He proceeded to cry intensly. (and yes, I did it in front of all my kids!)

Day 1

Today is the first day of working only half days. It is really weird. I have been working full time since I graduated and now I am being told I cannot work. I get Paul and Izzy off to school and then I spend my mornings laying down before I have to get ready to go to work. It is hard because I want to do so much, but I have to tell myself, I will not make it through the day if I do not lay down for these few hours before I leave. My goal is to continue to make it to April 26th with half days and then go full time maternity leave after that. Lord willing! Have to keep focused on keeping this baby in and the longer the better. Focused on a healthy, strong baby.